"Everyone's special, Dash."

I strive to be myself, but I am still only a cheap imitation. What I do, there will always be someone better. Always. In a way, it keeps me humble, but at the same time, it leaves me feeling frustrated with myself for not being able to be better, to excel. I strive to be myself, but what comes of it… is only an average girl who isn’t anything special.

I was never an especially popular person outside my own circle of friends, and that was and is okay with me.

One of the qualities people praise in me is that I can quietly lead people. But, how can I lift others up when I have so little value for my own self-worth? If I had a higher self-value, would I have a greater, positive influence on others?

My mother says I have a fear of failure. How can I have a fear of failure when I know that I won’t succeed, even with my hardest efforts exerted? So far, all my life, there has never been anything I could do that was singularly special. Someone could always pray better, comfort better, talk to people better, vault better, sing better, write better. You know the drill.

Perhaps it is this very attitude that creates in me an under-appreciation for myself, though I seek to alleviate it. In my search to find myself, I’ve inadvertently ensnared myself by comparing myself to others.

And I realize that maybe this has unconsciously rubbed off onto others. Have you heard of “vibes”? They catch that vibe that I have little self-respect, and thus, they subconsciously treat me accordingly so. I don’t blame them. Not that they treat me like dirt, but I don't know... I guess maybe they treat me like I'm awkward or in the way or something. It's kind of obscure, hidden behind a smiling facade...

But.......

I believe the first step in becoming a better person is not by trying to change the surrounding, but by changing the inside. The attitude and core values. I admit, it’s hard to work on those. I’ll tell the truth: I haven’t tried to fix those.

I suppose I haven't tried because I am too used to being in my comfort zone, and they above-mentioned fear of failure probably subconsciously works its way into my mind.

How am I to fix these? How can I find the self-discipline in me (I lack a lot of self-discipline) to be able to fix these problems?